N.B. I was asked by my teenage son, Jamie, to mention his friends:
- Nathan
- Sam
- Tom
- Harry
- Ranga
- Ellott &
- Bunyip
in a blog post, so I took half an hour off to improvise some near-automatic writing silliness for them. It appears that they are occasional readers of this blog, so, as they say in the ancient Lithuanian language of Scorpat - now generally in disuse -"Incharo Kampateni Scrofals Shink", which roughly translates as "Hello, guys".
Normal service will be resumed next post!
*****
"Where Is Dick?" is not some mutter gay-bar heart flutter. No, "Where Is Dick?" may be the clue to the solving of some grueling murders here on the South coast of Australia! The answer lies, surprisingly, in the web stats for this unassuming, always-modest blog.
You see, my spies at Google - what, you didn't know that I have close ties with the Chinese Government and the Russian Mob? - have alerted me that two of the regular readers to this blog are:
- Tom a.k.a Hellman, a grommet, whose ambition is to eventually Hang 10 (or Hang 1010 in binary) but whose real claim-to-fame is running a burger-to-beach service catering to portly Aussie lasses who're munching out on Chiko Rolls, Sausage Rolls, Lump-of-lard Rolls while their "blokes" carve out and stuff &
- Harry - who, as you might imagine - could easily be confused with King Harold of England who was killed in 1066 at the Battle of Hastings by an arrow through the eye fighting vainly to repel the Norman Invasion
- Harry {cont'd) or even Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry, known for the phrase "Make my day!"
- (Harry cont'd) but who is, in fact, Japanese Android H.A.R.R.Y (Human Android Really Really Yannoying) - I know it's a spelling mistake but they are Japanese - no wonder they lost the war! Harry's purpose - presently appears to be solely to promote the careers of Stanwell Park duo Benson & Baden, a pop-folk duo, whose new album includes sickeningly saccharine tracks like My Heart Is Bigger Than The Both Of Us (anatomically interesting, at least!) Spitting At Me Only Shows How Much You Need Me (B-a-y-b-a-y) It appears that H.A.R.R.Y is plastering their pathetic faces on posters from here to Dapto (nobody ever goes south of Dapto) telling everyone how great they are
So, it's obvious, while this blog is now read by every Tom, Dick & H.A.R.R.Y, there's no Dick!
What could have happened to this blog's Dick?
I'll tell you what's happened to this blog's Dick - he's been murdered!
Sound F/X: Big Dramatic Chord
Once I was alerted to this Dick-less problem, it rapidly became my contention that poor Dick has been murdered by...
Sound F/X: Another Dramatic Chord
...another reader of this blog, The Artist Formerly Known As Elliott (see:
The artist formerly known as Prince). Once a normal, functioning member of Australian society, Elliott suddenly changed his name by deed poll to
Cadaver King - indeed, he tried, unsuccessfully, to launch a fat food outlet by the same name but it didn't catch on - but has, in his bitterness, now changed his name to
The Artist Formerly Known As Elliott and launched himself as the world's first Cadaver Artist.
His most famous work was named Sam At McDonald's, in which his pet sheep, Sam, was dressed as Christ and crucified on a Ronald McDonald while Hamburglar (dressed as a Roman centurion) thrust a lance into Sam's side, from which a half digested Happy Meal tumbled - with Sam pathetically holding the free toy in his hoof.
Why I'm so sure that Dick has been murdered by The Artist Formerly Known As Elliott is that it's obvious that "Dick" would be associate with male "animal nature" and recent evidence provide by Inspector Nathan of the Wollongong Constabulary proves that The Artist Formerly Known As Elliott has killed, spectacularly, at least twice, recently - and both were readers of this blog with "animal" connections!
- In July, "Ranga" (Australian slang - Orangutan - Ranga - given to anyone with red hair) was found floating above W.I.N. Stadium in Wollongong (What do they call it when we lose?) during a recent rugby league match, pumped up to 12 times his size with helium and a note saying "He said he wanted some air!"
- Just yesterday, the lifeless body of "Bunyip" (Australian mythology - a large Australian swamp-dwelling mammal) was found, BBQ-d alive and strapped to a Weber BBQ and that had been hurtled through the front window of Woolworth in Wollongong, again with a note, this time saying "Woolworths? I'll show you fresh food people!"
Captain Nathan (not to be confused with Nathan, son of King Solomon and Bathsheba or the suburb of Brisbane, Queensland) assures me that forensics are on the trail of The Artist Formerly Known As Elliott and that "We should have him within half a dozen more victims, or so."
"Or So"?
How many blog readers does he think I have?
Three words: What The F*CK!!!"
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"Maybe this is supposed to be a joke but [it's] way too close to reality for too many of us"
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