I Wish I'd Written That 3: Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

A couple of months I posted about Elton John, It Feels So Wrong But It Feels So Right. Reggie has never meant much to me, other than providing some wonderful radio-fodder for the 70s and some of the 80s - and putting on a great show at Sydney's Randwick Racecourse almost 35 years ago to the day.

For me, though, the crowning glory has always been the maudlin Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word. I presume the simmering Euro-feel was influenced by Song For Europe by Roxy Music (1973) and to a much lesser extent, Michelle by The Beatles (1965).

I don't have much to say about Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word other than that it's a great lyric, perhaps Bernie Taupin's best and the classical affectations work. Oh yeah - and I'm not trying to be bitchy - but wasn't Elton hairy?

Elton John: Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

I see that Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word was remade with boy-band Blue (with Elton plonking along and probably trying to pull) which unfortunately seems to wrench much of the potential sorrow out of the song via an inappropriate R'n'B groove and some bizarre Stevie Wonder-like harmonica towards the end.

In a way, it's not dissimilar to the Ronan Keating / Cat Stevens - Yusuf Islam version of Father & Son, nice but not really my cup of wombat's tears, if you know what I mean.

BTW one youtube youngster, member YERTY123 reviewed Father & Son by saying:

"the guy with the beard is the better singer than ronan."

Nice!


Ah well, good for them.

Andrew Goulding

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I Wish I'd Written That 2: The Heater

Zooming in from left field, I have to mention The Heater, by obscure (outside of) New Zealand band, The Mutton Birds as a song that I really wish I'd written. Ostensibly a song, well, about a heater, it's open enough to be an allegorical song about Love or perhaps even Philosophy.

Either way, it's just plain weird.

If you can get past:

• the fairly pedestrian production (especially the drums)
  
• the inappropriate Brian Eno-like, bland, backing vocals & their shamefully under-developed lyrics &
  
• the silly, distracting horns

there's a menacing edge to The Heater that is closest compared to Adrian Belew's stunning nutty-college-boy lyrics in the early 1980's King Crimson.

The Mutton Birds: The Heater

Yes, I'd re-write a good third of the main lyrics but The Heater's conceit is so unusual that it remains one of my best-loved songs from the early 1990s.

Not brilliant but can you dig it?

Andrew Goulding

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Wouldn't It Be Nice?

What with McDonald's USA reporting record profits this year, England's The Telegraph reports that Cadbury's chocolate is reporting a 30% increase in profits (Wouldn't It Be Nice?)

N.B.: The Sun provided a great headline on the same subject the next day:

Cadbury profits soar in credit crunchie

Yes, even though times have changed and we may not find much solace in the glitz and glamor of a happy musical as they did in the Depression, people are still desperate to find some temporary happiness, even if it is just in junk food.

McDonald's Babes Chow Down To Burn The Blues Away

Andrew Goulding

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Kegrath & Kashka: Walking On Air

You know, one of my pet peeves has always been trying to explain jokes - it hardly ever seems worth the trouble! Well, music is even more so. Either you get it or you don't. That being said, one of the great romantic songs of our time is the little-known Walking On Air by Prog. Rock masters, King Crimson.

Their original version, from the often-impressive Thrak album is cold and shimmering [and if the Gods of Youtube are smiling, you may even find it at Walking On Air], with:

• Beatles-Revolver-like backward guitars
• Frippertronics
• guitar sounding like mellotron
• two great, distinct bass lines
• wonderfully understated percussion &
• an Adrian Belew lyric that almost stands beyond Time - a big call, I know but it does. Walking On Air could easily have been written at any time during the last century or so. It's not perfect but it is very good - saying more about the tenderness of earnest, adult Romantic Love than anything I can think of
  

"So what?" you might be asking yourself. Well, always a fan rather than a critic, I discovered not one but two cover versions, both very different and I'm really excited to present them here.

So, without further ado, I present young Kegrath with his acapella version of Walking On Air:

Kegrath: Walking On Air (Acapella)

I wish I had the musical vocabulary to describe the style of acapella that he's using but I don't. All I can say is that Kegrath makes Walking On Air his own and with such a powerful, distinctive song, that's impressive. The sign-off is, presumably, for one lucky gal!

However, I was knocked off my feet, mere minutes later with Kashka Mazurka's sped-up and almost-impromptu, Latin mini-version, which is also really distinctive.

Kashka Mazurka: Walking On Air (Latin)

My small problem is that her Walking On Air isn't as romantic or yearning as either the original or Kegrath's but it still works beautifully as a wonderful piece of night club muzak (and I don't say that dismissively).

Andrew Goulding

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In 1975, It Was A Very Good Year

Trailing a couple of The Beatles links via my Google News alerts, I found myself nostalgically clicking a video for John Lennon, LIVE at the Grammy Awards, 1975.

He appears with Paul Simon and (while probably coked out of his mind) seems to be mostly interested in babbling Beatle-rumor gobbledegook.

John Lennon: LIVE At The Grammy's 1975

However, of much more interest are the nominations for 1975's Best Song Of The Year.

I'm not going to list the nominations, that would be taking away the fun but can you guess what they were? I'll give you these hints:

• all five are genuine classics - 1 is schmaltz, 1 is pop, 1 is whimsy & 2 are timeless.
  
• all are still radio staples - at least, in my part of the world
  
• four of the songs are sung by women &
  
• one is sung by a queen

Try and guess what they are and when you see the video, quickly try to guess who wins. It surprised me!

Andrew Goulding

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Sadness: Thy Name Is Rock'n'Roll

It started in the 1980s when portly, early 4os rockers would have a young, nubile spunkette as their love interest in the new advertising tool, music videos but now, 25 years later, it's scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Yes, according to Ticket News, if you can cough up $8,000 (+ $700 per spouse*), you can attend The Rock'nRoll Fantasy Camp

"...The five-day camp, which gives ordinary people a shot to live the life of a rock star while actively working and recording with some of the industry's biggest stars..."

This year's camp includes:

• Todd Rundgren (one of my heroes) multi-instrumentalist
  
• Alan White Plastic Ono Band, Yes drums
  
• Bruce Kulick Kiss (1984 - 1996) lead guitar
  
• Duff McKagan Guns and Roses (1985 - 1998) bass &
  
• celebrity chef Guy Fieri ??? frying pan
  
• + other guest
  

Sounds like a cool band and a lot of fun but unless I was seriously plastered - just a bit passe. Yes?

Rock'n'Roll's not growing old gracefully, methinks.

Andrew Goulding

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* my ex would undoubtedly incur animal handling fees

Guess My Sexual Perversion!

I've always thought Guess My Sexual Perversion or the more general Guess My Perversion would be a great name for a game show.

The idea is to wheel Joe Public in while a celebrity panel of:

• comedians
• corrupt politicians
• famous drunks and drug addicts
• groupies and famous harlots
• playboys etc.
  

play 20 questions to guess the schmuck's perversion. Of course, once they're outed, the public see a 1 -2 minute package of the sicko enjoying himself in the comfort of his own home/boudoir/dungeon, a la Jerry Springer.

I think you'll get a better idea when you read this report from yesterday's Sydney Morning Herald, about a man who "...held a woman captive in handcuffs and an adult nappy for three days while he read Bible passages to her in the US state of Ohio..."

Bliss, oh happy bliss! Entertainment will be very different when I'm Global Dictator, just you wait and see.

Andrew Goulding

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I Love Tabloid Trash # 1

Sometimes the tabloids present the very best of entertainment and today's Sun has a fantastic piece of trash - with both stills and a fantastic snippet of video for your delectation.

I'm not even going to describe what you'll see but trust me, the entertainment is pure trash and absolutely magnificent.

Andrew Goulding

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A Momentous Day In the World of Islam # 1

Although I'm prepared to document the appalling human rights abuses in the Islamic world, it would be remiss of me not to mention this snippet, taken from today's Sydney Morning Herald.

It appears that King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has promoted a woman, "Noura al-Fayez...[from] the Saudi Institute for Public Administration...to the new post of deputy minister of Women's Education."

While he was at it, the King, 84, also got rid of a couple of hardliners:

• Sheik Ibrahim al-Ghaith, head of the Commission of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice &
• Sheik Saleh al-Lihedan, chief of the highest religious tribunal

Saudi TV Journalist Nadine Al Bedairreporting from Dubai

Perhaps the newly promoted Noura al-Fayez will speed things up for Saudi women's equality.

Andrew Goulding

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Another Night On The Piss

Well, "I've been on the piss, luv." will soon be the most believable excuse that Indians can think of to give to the missus after a deplorable night of excess in the nightspots of beautiful downtown Delhi!

The Sydney Morning Herald reported yesterday that with The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh, a leading Hindu cultural group, has developed a cola made from cow urine "at its research centre in the holy city of Haridwar on the River Ganges". The drink is to be called:

"Gau Jal or Cow Water...and [they hope] it will be marketed as a healthy alternative to Coke and Pepsi."

Don't Drink This Cow's Piss

Implicit cultural jibes apart, I have no problem with the concept, if it works.

I've been drinking Xango, made from the peel of the mangosteen fruit for several years and consider it, with the PC, the greatest invention/discovery of my time. Here's a report from Tennessee's The Daily Decatur about someone using Xango to beat Leukemia.

In my mind, the global health crisis need not exist (at least in the West). If you can think of Xango as "the health effects of Yoga in a bottle" you'd come close to what is possible for anybody, very quickly.

On a bell curve of Time, that would go from immediate to probably several months.
On a bell curve of Cost, that would go from $100 per month to possibly $1,000 for one or two months in the most extreme cases, quickly reducing to $100m - yes, you have to keep taking it.

N.B. 1: You probably won't become flexible by drinking Xango, develop amazing discipline or unleash latent psychic powers, unfortunately.

N.B.2: Obesity will probably exponentially increase the cost. A 400 lb human being will probably have many more ills than 2 x 200 lb. people.

Why isn't Xango promoted by our medical fraternity?

Well, if people take Xango - the doctors will probably become disenfranchised (except, of course, for Trauma, in which they're superstars) and the multi-trillion dollar global pharmaceutical industry will lose its stranglehold on the world.

If it all sounds like snake-oil, that's only natural - it's certainly what I thought. However, I crossed the Rubicon when a friend of mine discovered that she had Multiple Sclerosis. I was so desperate for her that I bought the Xango for her but the silly cow (N.B.: vague reference to the "topic" of this post) wouldn't even try it, so I did - and the rest is (my) history.

N.B.: She now swears by the stuff.

I'll fully admit, I now promote Xango as a business.

Yes, I make money from it.

However, I'm just as happy to recommend that you purchase it from the corporate site from which I receive no remuneration. Just take the damn stuff, will you?

If you have any chronic condition, physical, emotional or mental, you must try it! Then, come back here and give me the satisfaction of saying "I told you so."

So, Fizzy Cow Piss, who knows? I don't judge. I go by results. Pop along to that link above if you want to find out more.

Andrew Goulding

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Just One More Day In The Wonderful World Of Islam # 4

There's some great news coming out of Turkey today! Yes, according to the Sydney Morning Herald, only a bit more than 40% of women have been "physically or sexually abused by their husbands".

Fantastic!

But wait, there's more!

Only 28.7% have been abused in the higher income bracket.

Talk about civilized! Woo-hoo!

Bismillah al rahman al rahim

"... [is a] phrase is considered by some to be a major pillar of Islam."

One poetic translation is:

"With every breath that we breathe, may we be ever aware of the Divine Presence, the Source of all that we receive."

To which I add:

"And thank my f***in' stars that I'm not a Turkish woman!"

Andrew Goulding

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Rock'n'Roll Parody - By The Original Artists

One of my pet peeves about pop music artists is that they tend to take their catalogue v-e-r-y seriously.

Therefore, it's with some glee that I present Hall & Oates parodying themselves in a commentary on the retirement of (the only liberal on FOX News, apparently), Alan Colmes, to the tune of their 70s hit single, She's Gone.

The Daily Show with Hall & Oates

Well done, boys! Now, if only I had any cultural idea about who they were singing about! The question is, though, who wrote the parody lyrics? Hall & Oates or The Daily Show? Hmmm.

Andrew Goulding

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Australian Bushfires: Australia Mourns

Victorian bushfires: 108 dead. 750 homes lost. The Sydney Morning Herald reports as Australia mourns.

N.B.: Here's the link to the SMH home-page which will present the tragedy in detail, for today only.

Andrew Goulding

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A Bum Deal That's Hot!

While those in the Northern Hemisphere are shivering through a freezing winter, spare a thought for us/me down here in the land of Oz. Today it's expected to reach 47 degrees Celsius, which, by my reckoning is getting over 110 Fahrenheit. Apparently, that makes us the hottest place on the planet!

With that in mind, you'll understand why there will have to be some shower-sharing with my guests today. I'm embarrassed but what more can I do? It's hot and so are they!

Shower Friends From The House Of Goulding

I know what you're thinking. Yes, I'm an over-generous soul but let me tell you, sometimes I feel like I'm just getting a bum deal.

Andrew Goulding

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Katy Perry: Hot N Cold

Ahh! I hate getting old and missing out on fun stuff!

Yes, I'll admit it, I missed Katy Perry's follow-up to I Kissed A Girl, the boppy, Hot N Cold, an adorable piece of fluff with:

• a Euro disco verse
• an 80s New Wave chorus
• with some simple-but-smart and occasionally risque lyrics

It was written by Katy with Dr. Luke and Max Martin, two of the small pool of writers who create for the Britneys, Christinas etc., who are the real stars of the modern era of grand pap-pop.

The Hot N Cold music video has some fun bits, too:

1. Set at her marriage ceremony, it re-establishes Katy as definitely straight
2. but at 0.12, the transvestite bridesmaid makes you question Katy's circle of friends, at least
3. sassy lyric at 0.45 "You PMS like a bitch, I should know"
4. weird lighting (the storm which has been brewing) becoming apparent at about 0.45
   
5. weird Hot-dog man at 1.15
6. nice 80's tube set lights as a nod to the era juxtaposed with the 2000s crowd surfing
7. seriously disturbing jilted brides at 2.13
8. rap dancing 3.15 brings color and expands the possible market
9. the hula-hoop girl at 3.40 cements Katy's relationship with the pre-teens
10. clever series of 4 shots from 3.53 - 3.55 (what is Katy doing in the fourth shot?)
11. cool zebra at 4.00 (the prospective groom should be seeing things in black & white)
    

Katy Perry: Hot N Cold

Katy's the real deal, two neat singles and a naughty intelligence. I like that. I hope she has a whole lot more.

Yeah, I'd tap it!

Andrew Goulding

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Just One More Day In The Wonderful World Of Islam # 3

News.com.au reports today a bizarre story from Iraq:

"...A woman suspected of recruiting more than 80 female suicide bombers has confessed to organising their rapes so she could later convince them that martyrdom was the only way to escape the shame..."

I'm flabbergasted and like all these stories of modern Islam, that I present, unsure as to whether they are really true or part of ongoing propaganda.

Either way, it plumbs the depth of Human depravity and is therefore, at the very least, fascinating.

Update:

Meanwhile, The Sun reported that Al Qaeda has also used a similar tactic with gay rape.

Andrew Goulding

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Are Parents Of Obese Kids Really Abusers?

Damn! I was all set to write a playfully nostalgic post when I glimpsed this morning's Sydney Morning Herald. With Australia now the fattest nation in the world and Obesity threatening to eventually bankrupt the nation, two Obesity experts have been brave enough to suggest that the parents of Obese children should be considered abusive.

"Writing in the Medical Journal of Australia, doctors at the Children's Hospital at Westmead say the growing prevalence of severe obesity is leaving many health workers unsure if they should notify child protection workers when parents fail to follow medical advice.

'We argue that in an extreme case, the notification of child protection services may be an appropriate professional response,' pediatric obesity experts Dr Shirley Alexander and Professor Louise Baur wrote.

Unfortunately, child protection services are already shamefully under-funded and set up for emergency situations, not to deal with an epidemic. To report such parents will do little to remedy the situation. In fact, it may make it worse, because legal suits and counter-suits will probably drain too many precious resources.

No, at some time in the near future, a government will have to increase taxes to pay for the physical & psychological trauma of Obesity in this country. The Health system is already in disarray with many essential services (even pain-killer drugs!) just not available as Obesity and its related illnesses clog up our hospitals.

Of course, there is a deeper malaise behind Australia's Obesity, which is, dare I say it, spiritual but I'll write about that at another time.

Dire Australian Satire About Obesity

Andrew Goulding

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