Cello Scrotum?

Whatever one says about the U.K., one can never pretend that there is any English-speaking country with a more pronounced sense of the bizarre.

The other day The Independent reported that 35 years ago, "Baroness Elaine Murphy, a cross-bench peer and former Professor of Psychiatry at Guy's Hospital, has confessed to manufacturing a medical condition which only existed in her imagination.

In a letter to the British Medical Journal published in 1974, the young Dr Murphy claimed to have discovered "cello scrotum", a painful affliction which only affected male players of the instrument."

Inspired by a previous letter to the BMJ on "guitar nipple", the condition went unheralded until late last year (see the report for details).

Oh, England, I do miss you.

As of now, there are also a number of reasonably witty comments, well worth reading. They include mentions of similar conditions, "Harp Clit"& "Rock Cock".

Andrew Goulding

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RE: Yee-haa! Gun Lobby Capers

As I've mentioned before, it gives me no joy to be compiling the Yee-haa! Gun Lobby Capers series of tragic news reports of gun-related murders and/or murder-suicides presently emanating almost daily from the USA. However, I feel I must.

That being said, I have to admit that I seldom paid such reports much attention before, simply because I found them too disturbing. So, this series is a little bit of confrontational Psychotherapy for me.

Having been several times to the USA, I'm an unashamed fan in many ways, while in others, I'm appalled. However, beyond my personal observations, the most evident thing for me about the USA in relation to anywhere else in the world that I'd been, was that it was big. Everything there was B-I-G!:

• handshakes
• kindness
• politeness to a stranger
  

while on the other hand, there was patently an acceptance of:

• a simmering violence, like being told by a taxi driver in L.A., "Don't think of getting out here, it's too dangerous."
  
• a shocking racial inequity in the distribution of wealth (whose fault it was, was another question, altogether)

etc. and guns always seemed just one part of the crazy patchwork quilt that was the USA, which I chose not to judge. However, these murder-suicides got me to thinkin' (a dangerous sign) and I believe that I've worked out something.

You see, in the USA, there doesn't seem to be much pondering about religion, little searching for the subtleties behind what Christ might have been alluding to in the gospels (Let's face it, "Many are called but few are chosen." is an incredibly direct dismissal of any mass-movement's rank and file).

No, American religion seems to be driven by a fairly literal collection of old and new testament sayings, sold to the congregation as a mish-mash of:

• used-car salesman spiel
• gospel-music hysteria
• a "we're under assault" appeal to an imaginary USA of the past &
• an often shameful, immature, need for "quick" answers (not paralleled by the answers of Life, in any way)
  

Somehow, along the line, my guess is that in the USA, there may be some kind of cultural understanding that "If we can't be together in this world, we will be re-united in the next." and that these killings are really mercy-killings, carried out for the good of the family.

I'm not saying that I'm right but it does give me a clue to understanding this mostly-American phenomenon. So, the problem has widened from just being a Gun Lobby question to one of Gun Lobby + American Apocalyptic Religion.

As for me, my view of Life inevitably returns to these simple, in this case, tragic, words, Cause & Effect.

Andrew Goulding

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Yee-haa! Gun Lobby Capers # 2

Oh dear, CNN reports that there's been another murder-suicide in Ohio, USA. That's two families in two days!

Check Gun Lobby Capers for regular, outraged updates.

Burglar - Sausage - Assault - Escape

N.B.: With the temperature zooming here in Australia, I'll keep this post short as my modem keeps freaking out.

I found a news report from last year in my files, from Sydney's The Telegraph. I won't attempt to set up the article, other than to quote the headline:

Is this the world's weirdest burglary?

Damn, it's hot!

Andrew Goulding

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More Exciting Fat News

Here at the House Of Goulding it has not gone un-noticed that McDonald's (Australia) is now regularly advertising 24-hour service, which means that they either care a lot for their customers (beatiful downtown Wollongong supports few, if any, 24-hour industries) or that business is going through the roof.

And with Yahoo! News reporting yesterday that McDonald's U.S. profits rose

80%

in 2008 (see: Nov 24, my video blog) as the recession bites deeper, it's certain that people will be flocking towards their favorite junk food outlets for cheap, filling, comfort food.

Yes, we're looking at an exciting finish to the decade in the race to see which nation will be the fattest on earth. Presently, we Aussies are proudly porkin' it towards gold (see: Australia: Fattest Nation In The World) but them yankees may be pushin' us hard in 2009.

Mind you, as CNN reports, with Britain's pubs closing at a record rate, the Brits seem to be drinking more at home, so alcohol consumption will probably rise there. That could even result in chubby Billy Bunter emerging as a chunky-monkey dark horse (with a crap liver) in the final sprint (or waddle).

Britain's Pubs Closing At A Record Rate

It's going to be an interesting race! 2010, bring it on.

Would you like fries with that?

Andrew Goulding

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Yee-haa! Gun Lobby Capers # 1

As a global citizen, appalled by the stupidities of fundamentalist Islam, I'm equally appalled by the gun lobby in the USA and the many murders that occur there. As such, I've decided to compile further outrages as a record against the Gun Lobby, not in any way as a morbid exercise.

Today, the Sydney Morming Herald reports about a father of five, Ervin Antonio Lupoe, who has massacred his entire family and then killed himself.

Apparently, he and his wife, both medical technicians, had just lost their jobs. Is this just the start of many more?

Andrew Goulding

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Wesley Autrey: A Real American Hero

There has been a little debate in the House of Goulding over the last week about the definition of the word "hero" after the remarkable aeroplane landing on the Hudson River by Flight 1549 pilot Chesley B. Sullenberger III.

One side agreed with the many, that he was a hero and the other denied that, saying that he was just doing his job extremely well (and saving his own life, while he was at it).

However, as CBS News reports, there can be no denying that Wesley Autrey, a 50 year old construction worker is definitely a hero. He saved a man who had fallen on the tracks in the NYC subway in the way of an oncoming train.

No, make that a H-E-R-O!

Wesley Autrey: A Real American Hero

And for me, that does more for race relations than even the inauguration.

Andrew Goulding

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Fat America: The Heart Attack Grill

CBS America presented this humorously ambivalent item by journalist, Bill Geist, who paid a visit to The Heart Attack Grill, an establishment that proudly serves fat-drenched hamburgers. The menu includes the monster Quadruple Bypass burger, 8,000 calories of heart-stopping goodness with no trace of a lettuce leaf in sight.

Owned by "Dr. John" and served by "nurses", customers are "patients" and as Dr. John says, "For one golden moment [you] can get what you want."

Watch CBS Videos Online

Fat America: The Heart Attack Grill

Perverse, bizarre and quite funny, as far as I'm concerned. I bet that the nurses don't eat too many of the burgers!

Andrew Goulding

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50 Reasons Why Younger Women Should Date Older Men

Whew! Here in Australia, it was a scorcher yesterday, 42 degrees Celsius! That's getting towards the old 110 degrees, I think and my modem couldn't work for more than a few minutes at a time. It's a bit better today but I'll still keep this brief.

As some of you may know, I recently had my 51st birthday and I thought it appropriate to share a post that I discovered entitled 50 Reasons Why Young Women Should Date Older Men.

Incidentally, the comments make great reading (you might take several days!) and my last word on the subject is that I will consider accepting indecent proposals from young women, on the proviso that they're to the standard of French newsreader Melissa Theuriau.

Andrew Goulding

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Just One More Day In The Wonderful World Of Islam # 2

Going through my files I rediscovered this post from The Sydney Morning Herald, about two (then) young girls, who were held captive in Jazen, Saudi Arabia,by their half brother for 10 years.

To be fair, this horrendous abuse was uncovered by The Saudi National Association For Human Rights but jeeeez, talk about sibling rivalry!

Andrew Goulding

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Mr. & Mrs. Obama's Happy Day

I don't know about other parts of the world but here in Australia they went ga-ga over President Obama's inauguration with curiously biased reporting about Obama's black heritage.

The media doesn't seem to be particularly interested that he's half-white and that the majority of folks who voted for him were actually white.

Barack Obama, W.A.S.P.

Our media doesn't seem to get that the American public want results, a change and that Obama's blackness isn't really an issue, having got used to e.g. Colon Powell, Condoleeza Rice from the previous, Republican administration. Doh!

On another note, our notoriously lowbrow commercial news media couldn't help but put in two (count 'em) interviews with Michelle Obama's dress designers for their inauguration day reports.

Who bloody cares?

This trivialization of news and the turning of this (apparently global) event into part of the drip-feed of international celebrity trivia is a dangerous sign for Australia, where intelligent reporting is fighting for airspace with trash.

Awful, goddam awful! By all means, talk about it on morning TV but not on the news! Good luck to the Obamas. Shame on the Australian commercial news media.

Andrew Goulding

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Where The Hell Is Matt?

In case you haven't seen this, Where The Hell Is Matt? is a series of videos that has grown over the years - and this is the latest version. I don't know about you but I love it. Long may he dance.

Where The Hell Is Matt?

And with the world somehow united for one day via the Obama inauguration, there is Hope, at least. Now, if only everybody would do Matt's dance!

Andrew Goulding

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Happy Birthday To Me

Yes, it's my birthday and while I've been celebrating with my straight friends over at my video blog, it's only appropriate that I provide a more appropriate birthday song here. While it doesn't speak about my approach to Life in any way, perhaps it should!

John McMillan: Happy Birthday
Animation by: NKthekiller

Once a year we celebrate
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to
Make another trip around the sun

And the whole clan gathers round
And gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful song
And sing that stupid song

Happy birthday
Now you're one year older
Happy birthday
Your life still isn't over
Happy birthday
You have not accomplished much
But you didn't die this year
I guess that's good enough


So let's drink to your fading health
And hope you don't remind yourself
The chance of finding fame and wealth
Decrease with every year

Does it feel like you're doing laps
And eating food and taking naps
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life will hold some cheer?

Happy birthday
What have you done that matters?
Happy birthday
You're starting to get fatter!
Happy birthday
It's downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone


If cryo-genics were all free
Then you could live like Walt Disney
And live for all Eternity
Inside a block of ice

But instead, your time is set
This is the only life you get
And though it hasn't ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might

Happy birthday
You wish you had more money
Happy birthday
Your life's so sad, it's funny
Happy birthday
How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake


N.B.: That abrupt end is awful. My apologies etc. Mind you, The Beatles were good enough to sent their Happy Birthday wishes, so I can't complain! Actually, it was originally recorded for Saturday Club, a BBC radio show, in 1963.

Andrew Goulding

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The Swiss Clean Up Zurich

The Telegraph reports that Zurich city officials have banned municipal workers who have:

• body odour
  
• bad breath
• plunging necklines &
• too much strong perfume

George Bush: A New Career

Looks like Georgina won't be working in Zurich, then. What's he going to do?

Go looking for weapons of mass destruction?

Andrew Goulding

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It Feels So Wrong But It Feels So Right

I was doing some research for Madame X, my paramour, on the Elton John song, I'm Still Standing. Yes, I know that few will remember it as anything other than pop music pap but trust me, there's a great song hiding in there and if lyricist Bernie Taupin had just worked a bit harder, I'm Still Standing could have been far more memorable.

However, I know that I'd be fighting an unwinnable (neologism ?) battle to make anybody other than die hard Elton fans agree with me, so I'll just accept defeat on the merits of the song.

On the other hand, though, even Elton-haters would have to admit that I'm Still Standing remains a genuinely hummable memoir from the '80s and if only for that, retains a certain cachet.

So, with that in mind, I'll present two cover versions, which I came across and which I think deserve some attention.

The first is from a very gay/transvestite TV show, Debby & Nancy's Happy Hour, presenting Belgian rockers, Zita Swoon, (great name) who play I'm Still Standing straight while Debby & Nancy karaoke themselves to near climax during the second half. It's just plain weird!

The second cover is considerably more interesting. It's from The BBC's Idol-like show, Last Choir Standing and I find it bizarre, gauche, disturbing, glorious and somehow, almost wonderful, all at the same time. I'm not quite sure why but I do.

Enjoy.

Last Choir Standing: I'm Still Standing

"I love that "Clown By Now" bit haa! Just think; if you've been watching this programme from the beginning - you have been on the amazing journey with these folk! It must have been amazing to be a part of that!" youtube member 16therithcrew

Andrew Goulding

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The Top 10 Worst URLs

I discovered this post on The Top 10 Worst URLs via a friend on Twitter and it really is quite funny. In the comments section, two other priceless sites were offered.

• Therapistfinder Therapist Finder, not the rapist finder
• Coedfun.com Cottage Grove Community Education Activities

Andrew Goulding

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Whoops! Another One Bites The Dust

What with the world's financial institutions in meltdown, I don't know what to believe any more, like with The Sydney Morning Herald reporting yesterday that Vicks, which all of us probably grew up with, actually ain't any good for children:

"...'I recommend never putting Vicks in, or under, the nose of anybody - adult or child,'...Dr Bruce Rubin from the Department of Pediatrics at Wake Forest University, North Carolina, said..."

What are they gonna say next?

Santa doesn't exist?

Andrew Goulding

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N.B. Coming posts may be unusually short as we're presently in a dangerously hot Australian Summer and my modem is crashing after about every 30 minutes!

Yoko Ono: Art Retrospective

John Lennon fans may be interested to hear that The Telegraph reports today on Yoko Ono: Between the Sky and My Head, an art retrospective, which opened recently at the Baltic art gallery in Gateshead, U.K.

The article is a reasonably balanced look back at Ono's work but of interest is the brief video containing some stills from films of her performance pieces.

"...The films are compelling and disturbing at the same time, and somehow voyeuristic, as though the performance is a sublimated representation of some awful scene of rape or domestic abuse..."

For those who don't know much about Yoko's art, which John Lennon was so enamored by, the article is well worth catching.

However, for those disinterested in her Art and who just want the music, especially with Lennon, here's Yoko singing LIVE with Lennon and Dirty Mac on the Rolling Stones (never broadcast but now available on DVD) special, Rock'n'Roll Circus. Dirty Mac, a one-off band consisting consisted of:

• John Lennon guitar
• Eric Clapton guitar
• Mitch Mitchell drums
  
• Keith Richards bass
• Ivry Gitlis violin
  

The special was recorded in late 1968, around the time of the release of The Beatles' double album...and the track is probably the most conservative, riffy piece of music that Ono sang over which I've heard.

Yoko Ono & The Dirty Mac

"...This is the worst music ever. I feel bad for the likes of Lennon, Clapton and Mitchell; who's music is subjected to Yoko's bloodcurdling wails through the performance..." youtube member seanninja45

"...stop hurting kitty!" youtube member fiestamonet

"...always heard love was blind, this shows love is also death..." youtube member maitedelsol


FYI: A few months later, during the Let It Be sessions, Yoko also performed with The Beatles

Andrew Goulding

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Goodbye George Bush, You Will Be Remembered

The Telegraph reports that George Bush delivered his last press conference and defended his 8 years as The Big Kahuna.

I agree!

It's important to bear in mind that, In this new millenium, George Bush and Reality TV have broadcasted to the world just what many Americans are really like - and between those two factors, there should be no doubt as to why there will soon be a new world order.

George Bush, simpleton
photo ex: The Telegraph

However, it's important to remember, this may be the last time, for a while, that Americans vote a simpleton to be their head of state. For that reason, the world is, at one level, an unfortunately, less funny place. Goodbye, George, thanks for the good times.

George Bush: Fabulous Gaffes

"I know that human beings and fish can co-exist, peacefully."


Andrew Goulding

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Of Course, It's All Your Fault

Following last months expose from Egypt, about a teacher gone wild, The Daily Telegraph now reports about another incident, this time with s Chinese teacher:

"...A primary-school student in central China had to have 52 stitches in his face...after his teacher tore away a strip of flesh...Doctors in the hospital sewed up a five inch wound..."

As with the crazy beliefs that:

• parents love their children
  
• married couples love each other &
  
• people who go to church are good
  

we should look at everything on a case by case basis. Teachers are as human / weak / demonic as the rest of Humanity. Assume nothing about anybody.

Andrew Goulding

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Semen Mind Control Or U.S. Govt. Sponsored Porn?

I'm in a quandry today.

Should I blog about:

Jena Pincott's fascinating Semen Has Mind Control Properties, post at her blog, which ponders how semen may tend to bind women to men (yes, I say - but is that hubby's semen or the milkman's?) or

The Sydney Morning Herald's report of Hustler publisher, Larry Flynt representing the porn industry and asking for $7 billion in aid during er...hard times. Flynt said people were "too depressed to be sexually active"."This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such, but they cannot do without sex."

Instead I shall ponder neither. I'm above all that below-the-waist nonsense. Didn't you know that already?

Andrew Goulding

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Twitter Tweets From Great Figures In History

I have to admit, my interest in Twitter is purely exploratory, more for investigating the way search engines function than anything else.

However, it's certainly a phenomenon that's sweeping the world, so, it's nice to see someone sending it up, as The Daily Telegraph reports, with would-be tweets from great figures through History.

Unfortunately a bit heavy on the U.S. side, there's still enough for the global joe-blow.

Tweet.

Andrew Goulding

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George Bush Honors Tony Blair & John Howard

The Sydney Morning Herald reports that both former UK big kahuna, Tony Blair and former Australian Prime Minister, John Howard have been honored by outgoing President, George Bush.

They were awarded "the Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian honour bestowed by the President of the United States...for their role in fighting terrorism and standing by the United States."

Hmmm.

Methinks that since we've got them all together, I should provide my own gong. Therefore, I'm awarding them my own medal, the Three Stooges Award, for their role in fighting terrorism. Thanks a lot, guys.

The Three Modern Stooges, George, Tony & John


Andrew Goulding

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79% Of Americans Will Not Miss George Bush

The Sydney Morning Herald (via The New York Times' Frank Rich) reports that with just a couple of weeks to go until President-elect Obama's inauguration, the last NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll on George Bush's presidency found that:

"79 % of Americans will not miss him."

Rich's angry and indignant article goes on to scathingly assess the achievements of the Bush presidency and is worthy reading for American masochists.

My thoughts, though, are of the remaining 21%.

W-T-F?

Andrew Goulding

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John Lennon Laptop Ad Creeps Me Out

I don't know about you but this so-called Lennon ad is seriously creeping me out.

John Lennon Laptop Ad Creeps Me Out

Over at Rolling Stone, here's some of the comments:

"...This commercial is disgusting! His fake voice is horrible!!" Beatlemark

"...AbsoLUTEly an impersonator. There would have been no reason for John to have uttered the words “laptop” or digital” during his lifetime, and in listening to the audio, those particulkar words (if any) were not constructed by pasting syllables together..." John G.

"...I am a Beatlemaniac, first and foremost, but this is simply fucking tasteless..." Rommel

Andrew Goulding

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